i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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