My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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