My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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