I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
