I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
