my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
