i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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