My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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