Don't make out with my wife yet
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
