just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
