i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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