My cat gives me a boner
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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