hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
