i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
