It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
