why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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