You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
