wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize