it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
