I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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