Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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