i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
