bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
