chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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