Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
