i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
