Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Randomize
