I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
