if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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