There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
