I think I am morally bankrupt
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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