YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
