I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
