i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
wow bdsm is so cute
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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