is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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