why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
