I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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