take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
