We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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