KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
