Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
