I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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