I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
