mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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