atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
