I think my fart just growled at me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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