That's when you crack a 10am beer
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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