Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
