Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
