you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
