walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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