So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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