Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize