i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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