Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
