Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
