It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize