Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
