My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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