Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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