he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
