the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
