you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
