I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
