My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
