happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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