Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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