Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
