More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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